When all hope is lost !
I was in pain; it wasn’t the physical pain that I was feeling at that moment, but the pain that I felt when they shattered my expectations. The pain was that of being alone, of not being understood, of feeling not worthy. I had been living separate from my in-laws ever since I got married. A loving husband, a stable job with an income that was mine to spend, a friends circle that I used to hang out with every other day. I was living the dream life and I did not want anything to change because it felt perfect. After marriage, people usually pray for a ‘family’. For me, my family was my parents, my husband, and my in-laws, to whom I ran on a single call. I was available for them 24/7, and that too, happily, because what I was running for was one single word of appreciation.
Five years into this dream life, I found out that I was expecting. It was news that left me in tatters. I had heard from my friends what life becomes after a child, hectic, compromised, and dull. What might be great news for most people was an augury of downfall for me. I didn’t accept that my life was about to change and this thought got onto me to the extent that I became house-ridden. My morning sickness (which spanned throughout the day and not just the morning) resulted in me getting admitted to the hospital very frequently throughout my pregnancy. The corporate position that I had earned through days and nights of hard work combined was gone. My friends, whom I stayed connected to because of my job, were gone. The opportunity of a much awaited promotion which was in front of my eyes was gone. I wanted to extend my arm and grab it, but it went up into fumes just as I dared to even lift a finger. From being an independent girl doing all the groceries and shopping for the house, I couldn’t even drive the car one street away from my house.
I expected them to come, but they didn’t even call me to ask me how I was. Oh how I waited for them to reach out to me, offer one word of comfort to me, tell me that everything was going to be okay. But they didn’t. I used to go running to them doing everything that they asked me to, and when I needed them, they were nowhere to be seen. I started hating my unborn child, accusing him of this sudden turn in my life. My in-laws came when my child was born, but they didn’t ask about me. I had never felt more pained in my life before that point when they came in to meet my newborn child.
When I came back from the hospital I had never felt more alone. I spent the first year of my baby’s life in severe depression. My parents wanted to support me in starting my job again, but they lived too far and I could not shift nearer to them. Gradually, I lost the couple of friends that I had left, including one of my best friends from university who suddenly cut me out of her life.
The first year was tough, but then I started finding solace in my baby. He began to respond to me, love me and I felt needed. I felt that someone is there for whom my presence matters the most and that was the feeling that helped me out of my depression. There were times when I used to feel low, seeing my friends and my family members succeed in their careers and balancing their family lives along because of supportive in-laws. I give credit to my parents who helped me feel independent again. The helped me set up a small-scale online business to help me cope up with my loneliness. I didn’t own it for the first few months, but then when I started getting customers, I found myself working hard for growing my business. My baby was now old enough to accompany me in trips to the mall, the restaurant, and my parents’ house without much hassle. Even though at times I felt that I was lagging behind, and I ought to do more, I found my baby to be the only pure source of joy in my life. His smile the most sincere, and his actions of love the best gift from Allah. Now that he has started to speak I feel that he is the one who would understand me.
I love him. Every ounce of my body loves this little baby and that is the power of pure, innocent love. This is the love that made it all well and my life complete. I do regret what I felt earlier, because now I can’t be more thankful to Allah for what he has bestowed upon me. I agree that everything happens for a reason, and this change in my life showed me the true colors of many who had their faces concealed behind masks of care and superficial love. Now I am not afraid of changes in my life, and I do not expect anything of anyone because I know that my baby and I will handle them together, in the best way possible and there’s no one else that we need.